somewhereiamalive

Closure

2011-11-27T00:25:00.001+08:00

Well, this is supposed to be symbolic, so...

I'm leaving some things behind.

http://metadesolate.wordpress.com/

The Penult

2011-11-18T14:41:00.006+08:00

The year has been both short and long. As much as I want it to end, this is the point of departure from which there is no return. Sort of a regressive paradox, I guess. I will miss everyone I know, the classroom of intellectual exchanges, the motley of personalities, the brazen gossip... But wishing for time to rewind, to freeze, is useless, like myself, like me.

Feelings always confound me. What is sadness? Sometimes I feel it's part of me; real all the time, alive, but still I haven't subjugated it. But it's beautiful, precious, painful but addictive. I want it as much as I expect it. I guess there's a dormant sadomasochist inside of me, but I want it that way - unbearable, gripping, destructive. I can cry but who doesn't? Better to be brave.

The unknown is frightening, but the end of something begets the beginning of a new journey (cliche!). I definitely know where I am going (NS, where else?), but it is the prospect of possibility, discovery and mystery that pushes me forward.

Somehow I feel as if a part of me have gone away but I never got to know what it was. I've picked the wrong fights, liked the wrong people, chose the different road, missed thousands of opportunities to challenge myself, to befriend others, to open myself to others... to be honest with myself. But if I had a chance, would I change anything? If I knew all the consequences then I couldn't be living anymore. It wouldn't be living because living is about taking chances.

People think they don't know me, but it's I who don't want anyone to know me. Knowing a person fully is scary, as if that someone has entrusted every part of him to you. I can't do that. I feel unsafe. So when I feel as if people never gave me the chance, it's because I never allowed myself a chance. That way is better.

Still, I never knew what a boyhood was because no one accepted me into the boy's club, no matter how hard I tried. It was the one thing I wanted most. Trying and trying, I got tired and frustrated and angry at myself. I felt as if I was born to face this world alone, made intentionally to be different so I would never find acceptance. Soon I was asking myself why do I need acceptance?

No, I don't need anyone's acceptance. I came alone, so why is this any different? Angst, unwantedness and self-hatred for all the experiences, for all the unkindness. It's too foolish and tiring.

I don't expect it, and maybe that will be easier for everyone else and myself included. I am not ashamed of who I am, neither do I see a need for me to explain it to anyone else. People ask me, "Are you gay?", "Are you bi?", "Are you depressed?". And they ask me again and again even when I've told them the truth. How do I answer that? How do I tell someone something if they will always choose to disbelieve. How do I explain something that is normal to me but abnormal to every other person? I never chose who I wanted to be, and I'm as perplexed as you are, and if I had a choice do you think I wouldn't want to grow up happy like everyone else?

People like to simplify things, generalise them, then reject the aberrant bits, because it corresponds to their ideals, the status quo. That's why I hate these people, because they can never see past themselves. They think they know so much, they think they know what's right, what's best, and even when they hurt others they don't care because the pain will never apply to them. I hate them and they're the true evil, selfish incarnations of our nature.

What I will miss most is being with my friends, if I am even allowed to use that word. Even if I never had friends, the pretence was enough. I tell myself it's enough, because who am I to expect more? 'Friend' is a nice word isn't it? With connotations of reliability, solidarity, unquestioning acceptance, mutual understanding, comfort, joy...

I enjoy learning because it is the only thing I can be sure of. Knowledge can be a tool, it can be a source of pride and confidence, and most of all pursuing it is to me a form of escapism. Many things have made school enjoyable, and no less important are friends, teachers and, personally, the library.

Maybe I have grown, whether I want to or not, but the process feels incomplete. But you remember what you want to forget. It is times like these when a selective memory would be useful. Still there are always the good ones along with the bad ones, and the good ones are what matter most.

What I want to know most... is if everything was true? When I smiled, was it real? When we were friends, was it real? When you made me forget loneliness even for a second, was it real? I won't know even if you said so, because it's over. Everything is, everything will be, soon.

I'm leaving this place soon.

For the good memories, thank you. Even for the most undeserving, unaffected person as I, thank you for all.

Counting my days

2011-11-14T21:09:00.003+08:00

This is beautiful:

Cold
by Carol Ann Duffy

It felt so cold, the snowball which wept in my hands,

and when I rolled it along in the snow, it grew

till I could sit on it, looking back at the house,

where it was cold when I woke in my room, the windows

blind with ice, my breath undressing itself on the air.

Cold, too, embracing the torso of snow which I lifted up

in my arms to build a snowman, my toes, burning, cold

in my winter boots; my mother’s voice calling me in

from the cold. And her hands were cold from peeling

then dipping potatoes into a bowl, stopping to cup

her daughter’s face, a kiss for both cold cheeks, my cold nose.

But nothing so cold as the February night I opened the door

in the Chapel of Rest where my mother lay, neither young, nor old,

where my lips, returning her kiss to her brow, knew the meaning of cold.

Storm before the earthquake

2011-10-19T20:26:00.002+08:00

I know I'm not supposed to be posting but...

I just received my enlistment letter.

Feeling... a little lost for words and a little irritated... Really. I'm a mixture of emotions right now.

Resolution

2011-10-17T19:05:00.002+08:00

Shun's been busy lately, wearing himself out preparing for the national exam. That's why he has been cold towards me. I don't mind. But he's getting thin and frail with the irregular meals and sleep he's been having, I can't help worrying for him.

How do you love a person? Maybe you can't, maybe you can. When he smiles I am happy, but I don't show it. Maybe that's why he never smiles anymore.

A dimming light... watch it, admire it, hold it before it goes out. We don't even spend our nights together these days. I feel as if one touch would dissolve all inhibitions between us.

When did his happiness become my topmost priority? I'll play a song for him if I knew how to, I'll give him the night sky he loves so much if I could... Just for a smile.

I've gone away indefinitely. When I return, everything would have changed.

The wisdom of birds that fly headfirst without turning back

2011-10-14T19:10:00.003+08:00

Today I graduated from JC.

Zoro's Log 1

2011-10-08T18:50:00.003+08:00

There are times when he would not hide his face, so I could see him clearly. Half-open eyes that fell to the ground and a silent suppression. Or sometimes if he was lost in thoughts I would be able to watch him in secret. Always a sad face... Sadness I cannot comprehend. What has he lost? What is he frightened of? I did not ask him, and he would not have told me anyway. One night he whispered sorry to me and I held his face close and told him no, I'm sorry.

Love and Lust are often muddled, especially after sun down when it is dark and confusion is easily encountered. But it is always love for me, and I want him to know that. How do I tell him? No, I won't leave in the morning. Not ever. I would hold his lifeless hand but he would not hold mine, and if I let go his hand would fall and the feeling would be lost forever.

Piratical elation

2011-10-02T15:20:00.002+08:00

I am sosososososososososososososososososoooooooooooooooooooooo happy today because the Straw Hats are back! Finally!

I AM SO HAPPY! (Z looks darling too!)

My go-organic argument

2011-09-29T19:17:00.004+08:00

Here's a great passage from Anthill by Edward O. Wilson:

Supercolony had mastered the environment, subdued its rivals and enemies, increased its space, drawn down new sources of energy, and raised the production of ant flesh to record levels.

The truth, nonetheless, was that Supercolony did not have permanent control of Dead Owl Cove. In the long train of ecological time, it was guaranteed only a few seasons of success. By trading sustainability of the the home for wider dominance, its genes had made a terrible mistake. A price had to be paid, first by the ecosystem and then, with its support systems declining by Supercolony itself. Life for Supercolony was at its maximum that summer, in the season of maximum growth, but the quality of its life was falling. It owed to nature a debt of energy and materials incurred by overconsumption, the payment of which might be postponed for a little while, especially if Supercolony could conquer new territory - but then it must conquer stil more, and yet more, to maintain what it had. The debt could also be postponed if its workers discovered new sources of food on the occupied territory. Yet even that unlikely event would merely increase the density of the population, and the debt would only be increased, not retired.

There should be nothing surprising about the looming crisis of Supercolony. Every species walks a tightrope through ecological time. Launched upon it, there is only one way to keep going, and a thousand ways to fall off. That is the way evolution works, and that is how the natural world as a whole runs itself.

I wonder why people are still going on about population growth. Shouldn't we curb it already? I really believe one day our beleaguered planet can no longer sustain human life, given all our material excesses and disregard for the environment. Scenes from 2012 are already flashing in my head, and I really doubt the day when man realises the land does not belong to him. Rather, we're just a small unit of the land; the whole ecological system; this Earth we forgot is our home.

On a different subject, I'm thinking of writing a poem or some smut for Z. When I have the time.

Blight of Mind 10

2011-09-25T00:40:00.008+08:00

I used to wish I was happy like other children when I was young. Silly, that's what I was. Happiness is not meant to be shared. But see, they have their transient smiles, I have my unforgiving darkness...

If I have a child it will be a son. But I will love him such that he does not know I love him. He shall not know happiness, or the living world, only the dark spheres of emotion that will taint and obscure his vision. Our relationship will be aloof, unbalanced, uncertain, of a few words. Dinner conversations will be perfunctory. His love for me is only gratuitous, unrequited, useless as like all other relationships as he shall learn in time to come.

I will reel him in if he ventures too far into darkness, and plunge him into desolation when he gets comfortable. I will provide for him, like every parent should, and I will teach him, like every parent must. He will learn not just knowledge, but also the nature of humans, the facade of this world, the insignificance of his being. Silent, lonely, but knowing. Don't smile, for smiles don't last. I will watch him as he grows, until he becomes of age to realise and comprehend for himself.

Why must children be happy? What is a happy childhood? All this nonsense fouling up the mechanics of this cruel world and preparing us for naught. Here, tell me what is happiness? I will ask him, shaking him by his shoulders. Do you want to be happy? Repeat yourself. Do you?

Friends are for the weak. The danger is believing in friendship. There are few things we can call our own in this world. The danger is in being confused. Don't be confused. Know what you want and what you are. Wanting to be happy just makes it a whole lot worse when happiness fails you.

Daddy do you love me?

What do you think?

I don't know.

Then why do you ask me? If you don't know, it doesn't matter what I tell you if you choose to believe otherwise.

But love can be unspoken, uninitiated, unkind. Don't cry. Don't smile. Don't believe. Darkness need not be dark; you make it what you want it to be. No he won't be happy. He won't be stupid and boisterous and laughing and foolish like other children. Other children will know too late. He will only be stronger.

Don't leave just to come back

2011-09-21T01:57:00.008+08:00

I don't usually listen to Chinese songs, only the really sad ones. This one's wonderfully sorrowful and relatable. Don't dismiss it just because it's not your language. One can never experience too much sadness.

I guess one day I will come to realise everything means nothing if life's all about chasing and striving to be better than before. But we never learn until it has happened, never happy until we've tried. I need to, because there's nothing left for me to run back to.

Reading about breakups and disappointments just makes me wish all the more never to be entangled in relationships. I need to be free, free from this structured, unrelenting, emotional world. I know I'll be lonely, but in the end everyone is lonely. Concepts of love, trust and friendship are just lies. Lies we indulge in to fool ourselves of our lonely existence. If we accept that we are lonely, then we will never be.

There are only a few people we can love in our lives. I won't die for something as stupid as nationalistic pride, but I will die for family and friends. It's easy because loneliness and death come close in the fray. Sometimes I wonder what is real, what is happiness, why is someone smiling, why I smile as well, why a person lives to die. So I will choose to die meaningfully, because it's the only way.

Blight of Mind 9

2011-09-14T00:24:00.002+08:00

If everything ceased to be, and I could still turn to you, then I would call that truly beautiful.

Oysters and unhappiness

2011-09-07T21:40:00.006+08:00

For ningqian.

Here are the notes I need to go through. Another half is on the computer and lying elsewhere in the house.

Here are the unread books rotting in my cupboard, all of which I plan to devour very hungrily after A's.

Here's a groovy gift idea if anyone is clueless of what to do with all that, I repeat, ALL that extra cash on their hands. (hardcover and as pictured thanks)

Here's my current squeeze, because I am sick of European Ken dolls strutting the runway. Anyone wanna play Identity?

Zoro's jealous, as the only proof I have of his existence. Our eyes are for this world but our breaths only for each other. But I don't want to love, sorry but I don't want to.

When everything changes and alienates, who can we turn to but ourselves?
Don't be afraid; be dauntless.

Blight of Mind 8

2011-08-26T17:46:00.009+08:00

If second chances exist, they do only for some.

Everyone was young once, and so was I, but people tend to forget this of others especially as they grow older. They say childhood is the best phase of one's life. If only it were true. But the truth only applies to some. The fields are green as ever, I remember the wet smell of grass, the foul smell of blood, the crisp smell of the warm sun. Those are the memories I want to discard, but you remember what you want to forget.

Watching from afar, I could only be alone while they were together. Alone... together... I knew their meanings from a very young age. Kept at the margin, I could only watch and wish, wish for one day to be part of them, one day to laugh and gambol about like them, to share a drink from the same bottle and throw our arms around each others' shoulders while chattering all the way home. But I walked home looking at the trees and the birds and the distance before my house came into sight. I learnt the name of flowers and plants: begonia, thistle, plumeria, mugwort... I walked home alone, and alone is my home.

My hands grew cold and I started drawing pictures. They only treated it with mocking laughter, and I hated their faces and I imagined stomping their heads into the dirt. Envy is a dangerous feeling, as it can come anytime but it will not leave as easily. I was not envious of them, but of what they shared. Something I did not have and I yearned for it. I thought if only they would like me I would be happy and not ask for more.

A game of football is a cruel sport, for the ball chooses its player. The sun to them meant the game can continue, to me it meant I should stay indoors. The whirl of the ceiling fan soon disappeared, for it had become part of the everyday silence. When it rained, I was happy for everyone stayed indoors and the distinction between them and I was not obvious. But why should I care, they who do not want me? Soon after, I invented my own game, where everyone was my slave and they could do nothing but heed my orders, so I made them play with me before setting them on fire to ease my hatred. How they burned, their crackling skin, their pink flesh, their sorry faces melting and mixed with tears... Scream, scream, scream like I had so you shall know. Then I cried because that was not me. I could lie to everyone but not myself. Watching from afar, I could only watch and wish, wish that someday, I could be one of the boys. It must be nice, I told myself, it must be. But chances, like people, only reach out to some.

The sky that divides

2011-08-23T22:39:00.006+08:00

All of us have dreams and aspirations - wondrous images of the future; happiness; satisfaction; accomplishment. How many will be realised? How many will be disappointed? Those destroyed dreams gets buried under a life of monotony, the layers of age and resignation keep piling over their bone-chilling screams to be fulfilled. Meanwhile the bubble of hope and expectation keeps growing, inflated by innocence and desire. We wish for what we want fervently, work towards our dreams diligently, forgetting the past, forgetting the present, forgetting success is more often a game of chance. And those dreams will continue to be broken, hearts will continue to be crushed. People pondering over life but never experiencing it; bemoaning fate but never challenging it. Life will proceed behind the sceptre of regret until Death claims them from his hiding-hole. And the unfulfilled will vanish as if they never existed, as if they've been cheated of a lifetime. Not just the dreams, not even the dreams...

Your blazing blue eyes, your cool heady breath... I only wish I had them.

Updating

2011-08-19T18:46:00.004+08:00

These days the words 'A levels' hang in the air precariously like a disease. I try to think of the past but there is no consolation in the past. Forward, forward, everyday is a race to push my limits. Time only progresses but it doesn't rewind, and we're swept along with its current, the only direction, the future unknown all we can do is prepare for the worst. So, let's face it.

I'm organising all my knowledge now, tying up the ends and trying, to no avail, to develop my critical thinking and writing skills. Sounds like a lot, and a lot is still unfinished, hence sometimes I marvel at how I can waste so much time on the bloody computer.

Sidetracking.

It's heartening to see people developing a finer taste, but not at the expense of my exclusivity! Practically everyone is using a-jays now (I exaggerate, but that's besides the point), I feel like trashing mine.

Saw the upcoming A&F outlet the other day while taking the bus down Orchard. Not really excited since I never was a fan, but that may change; experienced online-shopper here knows clothes do appear different on the computer screen. Topless male service staff should be a sight to see, topless male Singaporeans just leaves me sceptical...

The Household recently discovered the Wall's Selection Gold Series range of "ice confection" (linguists - alert!), but I must say it's pretty good. Not premium-good, but good-good. Especially during bouts of depression, I just spoon it from the tub into my face. Does the job in an indulgent way.

Troubled and hungry now. I'll just call for pizza.

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever

2011-08-13T19:35:00.001+08:00

We went down today to burn joss paper. A few other residents were doing the same. I watched the red candles being lit, and the food laid out on paper. Mum handed me a few joss sticks for praying. The sky verged between dusk and night. The fire came to life, and devoured the money offerings we had to give. No one spoke. The spirits were with us. The flames grew higher and higher, and I wondered, will I be doing this ten years later? I had a funny feeling when it ended. Everyone was calm as they said their last words of prayer before leaving. Gone, gone, but we will remember you. A rush of hot air flew in my direction, sending a propulsion of grey ashes from the braziers into the darkening sky to fulfil their spiritual purposes.

All my life is built around my naive belief that one day I would smile just because I am happy. Do you ask yourself that? That when you are happy is it for someone or is it for yourself? But those smiles won't last. Happiness must come from happiness, like light from the sun, like how leaves eventually return to the earth.

In actual fact, I've known who I am since a long time ago. No one made me who I am, and no one needs to know who I am. That's why I won't try to be someone else. It's all I have, all I have. Have you seen the way space contorts around you, stretching, splitting, until the familiar becomes foreign, until safety is superseded by fear? You don't have to. You don't need to. The world will save you and others but some are not under its scheme.

Sometimes I don't know why I wish for you. I don't know why I even wish. Am I allowed to? Just once, I thought, just once I could have someone that wouldn't leave me. Silly me.

Run back now. Find your way. If you're lost then you're only lucky.

What is the meaning of meaning? I asked myself many times but the answer evades me like a playful butterfly, but how beautiful it is, how free.

Solitude

2011-08-05T20:18:00.007+08:00

There are three kinds of loneliness. The first happens when people around you forget you exist. The second when you forget people around you exist. The third when you realise there really is just you left after all.

I am left alone. I deserve to be alone. I want to be alone. Now I am alone. But I am alone only because everyone else has someone. See, the cold side of the moon's face and its bright one - the moon is alone too. Happiness is not happiness sometimes; happiness can only be a smile, a fake lying smile.

A dark circle has formed inside me and it is my heart. At times it will speak like it has absolute control over me. Other times it is silent, bare, like a hole waiting be filled with more emptiness. I touch my chest, the crest of my bone, my palpitating heart. I clutch the excess of skin as though it hurts, but pain is not a feeling, as time would tell. Pain is part of me. How do you rip something out if it is not there? A hole can hurt although it is not there.

Darkness is not a colour but the future. If you close your eyes it is a deluge of possibilities. If you open your eyes you are constrained by the sights of this world. I reach out to grab at the air - nothing - but within my palm something brimming with the wonders of possibility, something powerful and delightfully unknown is taking root before my eyes.

Inevitability... you can only walk so far and then you will realise you have come a long way. The village has disappeared from sight but do you try to go back? You are alone because you think you should have someone. To have someone is a privilege, not a given. No one should have anybody. Helplessness is your own doing. You can choose to be engulfed, or you can choose to be enraged.

Far out

2011-07-30T22:16:00.008+08:00

Finding meaning in nothing is easy, and so when bleakness sets in, we turn to divinity for comfort, and leave it to the higher powers to make things right. How useless.

I've long since stopped arguing with the world because truth is truth as you know it, and there are as many truths as there are people. The truth to me may be different from the truth to others but that doesn't make it less true. Truth is, there is no truth.

Just like how the difference between canned tuna and a whole tuna is not the can but the taste. So I have learnt the the most obvious isn't the most important. The thing is, there is only one truth and that is ourselves, so stick to it because that's all we can be sure of.

A long time ago boys were trained rigorously to become men and fight in wars. The unfeeling world can only know as such, for there was no other way. There was one boy who sat by himself at the cape to listen to the song of the sea and its silent secrets. When it was his turn he could think of nothing else but the gentle surfs nudging his dead body towards the place he had always tried to escape from.

The brightness of the sun today will not be tomorrow. We clasp our hands in quiet prayer, the voices in our heads are loud but there is no other sound however intently we listen.

I'm skipping prom, or rather, dismissing it.

2011-07-27T18:12:00.007+08:00

I probably am antisocial, but prom is just prom however you look at it. I could snag best-dressed or end up the over-dressed or under-dressed or hovering around average, and it won't take me anywhere, or give me any satisfaction. I would only be a student amongst others vying for a bit of spotlight to pen a beautiful conclusion for my six years of high school. Truth is, there are no beautiful conclusions.

It is a big deal only if people make a big deal out of it. To me, it is just that simple: I go or I don't go. I don't need a glitzy function telling me that I've officially graduated, or that I'm taking my first step into society. I just need to know it myself.

In the end, it is just another social event created solely for its significance, and its significance is attributed by a bunch of kids who think this is a spectacular milestone in their unexciting lives. If I grow up regretting my decision then it can only mean I've lost myself in this world.

But I do like my friends. I just don't like other people.

Blight of Mind 7

2011-07-17T14:20:00.008+08:00

I will not defile you with sexual fantasies. I will keep you safe and clean in my head, protected from outside influences and judgements from people... in my head where you can only be mine.

And your smile which is not a smile will keep my breaths short and wanting. Your passing touch will leave electric on my skin, and my face, cold and lonely. I want you to be stern with me. I also want you to be kind.

On the cold nights I will wait by the bedside for you to come with your after-work sluggishness. But not for long. I will receive you warmly and take your coat and hat. At our feet, a pool of rumpled clothes...

The streets will be quiet except for a few cars. From my side, I will see the cruel glow of the stoic lamps invading through the window pane like a spying stranger. You will face the other side, heavy breaths, deep in slumber. I will feel the silly tears wetting my pillow.

The last stretch

2011-07-13T16:23:00.004+08:00

Everything comes to an end I guess, whether it's a good one or a bad one. In many ways this end is gonna be good and bad. I feel like a porcelain vase tossed into the ocean and all I can wait is for the right combination of waves to shore me.

Falling short of my expectations is fine; it happened so many times. But my confidence utterly shattered is different. The midyear was supposed to be my gauge, and I'm still not there yet. I need to find a way, and time is not on my side.

I've realised so many things I've been doing are useless. I was just being myself, counting the minutes and waiting for work. But we don't wait for work; we need to find it. I'm banishing all my frivolities and entertainment to the dark corner in my wardrobe. From today, I'll start on a steady diet of reading and practice (and health food of course).

More has to be done. I cannot just watch the moments pass without grabbing at it. I cannot wait for "the right time" or "the right mood", if there even is such a condition. Who will wait? How long can I wait? I'm just a lousy student, and truth is, I'm not good enough.

Little ways find themselves to big rewards. He who sleeps catches no fish.
The end is nigh.

I'll take no consolation, like always, and certainly not now.

Again and again and again

2011-07-10T20:12:00.002+08:00

The broken shell of the world...

I know my hands can only extend so far. I know I can only run so fast.

I know they're always right from their point of view, and I'm always wrong, I always can do better. They like to say I never think of them, when I do all the time. But they never think of me, of how I feel. They never felt that, sometimes, I am as bloody stressed out as them as well.

It's times like these that I really really hate my family, although I don't in actual fact. But I hate them now and I want to scream my head off and dash out the door and never come back.

I punched the wall a few times in the bathroom but I felt nothing, not now even. Inside, the feeling is the worst.

Across the fields where I stand

2011-07-08T18:37:00.002+08:00

In the unlikeliest of places, you held my hand and told me you'll never let me go.

And that's when I believed you, and dipped my head to hide my tears. But you wouldn't let my face out of sight for one moment. Like always, you kissed me softly, but like always, your kiss took my breath away.

The world was always quiet and dark, but now I can only look at you. In your arms, I feel safe, and it is like nothing could break us apart.

Old roads

2011-07-07T22:18:00.002+08:00

Major nostalgic moment thanks to old songs.

Sorrow comes full circle. Just empty hope, empty faces. Hanging by the thread keeping me from falling into depravity and insanity and I only wish I could.

Not making much sense, am I? Sometimes I suspect myself.

Disturbed Disturbing or just Undisturbed

2011-07-04T13:26:00.009+08:00

Apologies, I got bored on a Monday afternoon.

Darling

Darling do you hear, the wildest cries
not I have made. The drip of blood measured
as breaths and my tongue lapping your sweat.
Oh wonders my love! All the sounds are aware!

The swell of our faces should tell no movement
too slow. I trail the river up your cream-fleshed back
with four destinations you to check.
Oh your distant stare! Give me your share!

We can make moons only if we want to. Look,
a star on your belly. The smooth of your skin when bare.
Come up and kiss me your conviction, my love.

Oh your nubile legs! Wait for my snare!

Count the marks you don't understand, child,
your swan arms will move on my word. Now.
Give me reflex! All your requests! Show me fear!
Show me despair! Oh the smell of your hair!

Half-step, double-step

2011-07-02T11:46:00.004+08:00

I have a habit of splurging extravagantly whenever my mood hits rock-bottom, or when stress levels shoot out of Earth's stratosphere. There is some truth to retail therapy I guess. It's not one big conspiracy devised by merchants to leech our dollars. It really does alleviate, or purge, some of that negative, pent-up energy in you. It's like watching your depression and grief seeping away as your dollars approach zero. Ironic, right?

Heck, it doesn't even have to be spending for myself; I'd gladly spend on others too. Food, clothes, toys, games, books, tech gizmos, gifts, novelties... It's the spending that does the trick, although substantial satisfaction is gained when some of that spending goes to procuring a much-coveted item that you have been eyeing for awhile.

Too bad my spending is constrained by my limited funds. But, in a way, that is a good thing too. Catch me (in a good mood) if you can.

A major caveat though: I usually end up feeling guilty for spending so much in such a short amount of time. I hate that feeling, and it doesn't help to have my parents constantly reminding me the value of a remarkable dollar.

Over $500 worth of items on my wishlist, currently.

Crossing fingers

2011-06-26T02:43:00.000+08:00

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

-- The Scientist, Coldplay

A call to the outside

2011-06-23T22:40:00.007+08:00

Is it too late to ask for more?

Wants, as we know, are insatiable. Yet with that knowledge I find myself at the mercy of my cravings, asking more from my parents, asking more from my friends, asking more from the world as though it owes me. But who owes me, and to whom do I owe? In the comfort of receiving I cannot forget to return. There can be no reasons why, but simply because I want to. That is most important to me.

Death only comes once and it only comes at the end, and maybe that is why it is so real for everybody, because everyone is heading in that direction. I often think of death, and what would become of me after. Would I retain my memories? Would I feel myself leaving? Maybe I'm wishing for a transcendental experience, but I should think not. If I'm leaving I want to leave everything behind.

Maybe because I know my time is limited so I ask for more. And it is not limited just to the number of years, but also to the people around me, the opportunities presented to me. There can be nothing wrong with wanting surely. I am tired of people telling me to be satisfied, to see what I have instead of what I don't, to compare my good fortune with the the less fortunate beings on this Earth. Because I know I'm not made to be content. No man is equal, despite what they tell us, but equality is fought for. I wasn't born the luckiest brat, and so I will fight. I want experiences, I want material comforts, I want to love even if I can't, I want to see the world, I want to spread myself on a field and not worry about tomorrow. It is the biggest irony, isn't it? I know I'll never achieve anything close to that standard. But I still want to try, and know at least I've tried, and later smile at my foolhardiness, and ultimately, live without regrets.

In the end, everything that belonged to me - my memories, my achievements, my possessions - I will set them free. When I leave this world, I will release them like caged birds into the vast sky. Call it emancipation, releasing, or anything, but that will be the transcendental experience I'm looking for.

I guess what I'm most fearful of, is asking for more only when it becomes too late.

bugger off

2011-06-21T18:00:00.000+08:00

Pet-phrase-of-the-moment: Bugger off

Zoro: Shun-kun...
Me: Bugger off.
Zoro: ...?

One more reason to take Psychology

2011-06-21T17:33:00.003+08:00

10 Psychological States You’ve Never Heard Of — And When You Experienced Them

Annalee Newitz - Everybody knows what you mean when you say you're happy or sad. But what about all those emotional states you don't have words for? Here are ten feelings you may have had, but never knew how to explain.

1. Dysphoria
Often used to describe depression in psychological disorders, dysphoria is general state of sadness that includes restlessness, lack of energy, anxiety, and vague irritation. It is the opposite of euphoria, and is different from typical sadness because it often includes a kind of jumpiness and some anger. You have probably experienced it when coming down from a stimulant like chocolate, coffee, or something stronger. Or you may have felt it in response to a distressing situation, extreme boredom, or depression.

2. Enthrallment
Psychology professor W. Gerrod Parrott has broken down human emotions into subcategories, which themselves have their own subcategories. Most of the emotions he identifies, like joy and anger, are pretty recognizable. But one subset of joy, "enthrallment," you may not have heard of before. Unlike the perkier subcategories of joy like cheerfulness, zest, and relief, enthrallment is a state of intense rapture. It is not the same as love or lust. You might experience it when you see an incredible spectacle — a concert, a movie, a rocket taking off — that captures all your attention and elevates your mood to tremendous heights.

3. Normopathy
Psychiatric theorist Christopher Bollas invented the idea of normopathy to describe people who are so focused on blending in and conforming to social norms that it becomes a kind of mania. A person who is normotic is often unhealthily fixated on having no personality at all, and only doing exactly what is expected by society. Extreme normopathy is punctuated by breaks from the norm, where normotic person cracks under the pressure of conforming and becomes violent or does something very dangerous. Many people experience mild normopathy at different times in their lives, especially when trying to fit into a new social situation, or when trying to hide behaviors they believe other people would condemn.

4. Abjection
There are a few ways to define abjection, but French philosopher Julia Kristeva (literally) wrote the book on what it means to experience abjection. She suggests that every human goes through a period of abjection as tiny children when we first realize that our bodies are separate from our parents' bodies — this sense of separation causes a feeling of extreme horror we carry with us throughout our lives. That feeling of abjection gets re-activated when we experience events that, however briefly, cause us to question the boundaries of our sense of self. Often, abjection is what you are feeling when you witness or experience something so horrific that it causes you to throw up. A classic example is seeing a corpse, but abjection can also be caused by seeing shit or open wounds. These visions all remind us, at some level, that our selfhood is contained in what Star Trek aliens would call "ugly bags of mostly water." The only thing separating you from being a dead body is . . . almost nothing. When you feel the full weight of that sentence, or are confronted by its reality in the form of a corpse, your nausea is abjection.

5. Sublimation
If you've ever taken a class where you learned about Sigmund Freud's theories about sex, you probably have heard of sublimation. Freud believed that human emotions were sort of like a steam engine, and sexual desire was the steam. If you blocked the steam from coming out of one valve, pressure would build up and force it out of another. Sublimation is the process of redirecting your steamy desires from having naughty sex, to doing something socially productive like writing an article about psychology or fixing the lawnmower or developing a software program. If you've ever gotten your frustrations out by building something, or gotten a weirdly intense pleasure from creating an art project, you're sublimating. Other psychiatrists have refined the idea of sublimation, however. Following French theorist Jacques Lacan, they say that sublimation doesn't have to mean converting sexual desire into another activity like building house. It could just mean transferring sexual desire from one object to another — moving your affections from your boyfriend to your neighbor, for example.

6. Repetition compulsion
Ah, Freud. You gave us so many new feelings and psychological states to explore! The repetition compulsion is a bit more complicated than Freud's famous definition — "the desire to return to an earlier state of things." On the surface, a repetition compulsion is something you experience fairly often. It's the urge to do something again and again. Maybe you feel compelled to always order the same thing at your favorite restaurant, or always take the same route home, even though there are other yummy foods and other easy ways to get home. Maybe your repetition compulsion is a bit more sinister, and you always feel the urge to date people who treat you like crap, over and over, even though you know in advance it will turn out badly (just like the last ten times). Freud was fascinated by this sinister side of the repetition compulsion, which is why he ultimately decided that the cause of our urge to repeat was directly linked to what he called "the death drive," or the urge to cease existing. After all, he reasoned, the ultimate "earlier state of things" is a state of non-existence before we were born. With each repetition, we act out our desire to go back to a pre-living state. Maybe that's why so many people have the urge to repeat actions that are destructive, or unproductive.

7. Repressive desublimation
Political theorist Herbert Marcuse was a big fan of Freud and lived through the social upheavals of the 1960s. He wanted to explain how societies could go through periods of social liberation, like the countercultures and revolutions of the mid-twentieth century, and yet still remain under the (often strict) control of governments and corporations. How could the U.S. have gone through all those protests in the 60s but never actually overthrown the government? The answer, he decided, was a peculiar emotional state known as "repressive desublimation." Remember, Freud said sublimation is when you route your sexual energies into something non-sexual. But Marcuse lived during a time when people were very much routing their sexual energies into sex — it was the sexual liberation era, when free love reigned. People were desublimating. And yet they continued to be repressed by many other social strictures, coming from corporate life, the military, and the government. Marcuse suggested that desublimation can actually help to solidify repression. It acts as an escape valve for our desires so that we don't attempt to liberate ourselves from other social restrictions. A good example of repressive desublimation is the intense partying that takes place in college. Often, people in college do a lot of drinking, drugging and hooking up — while at the same time studying very hard and trying to get ready for jobs. Instead of questioning why we have to pay tons of money to engage in rote learning and get corporate jobs, we just obey the rules and have crazy drunken sex every weekend. Repressive desublimation!

8. Aporia
You know that feeling of crazy emptiness you get when you realize that something you believed isn't actually true? And then things feel even more weird when you realize that actually, the thing you believed might be true and might not — and you'll never really know? That's aporia. The term comes from ancient Greek, but is also beloved of post-structuralist theorists like Jacques Derrida and Gayatri Spivak. The reason modern theorists love the idea of aporia is that it helps to describe the feeling people have in a world of information overload, where you are often bombarded with contradictory messages that seem equally true.

9. Compersion
We've gotten into some pretty philosophical territory, so now it's time to return to some good, old-fashioned internet memes. The word compersion was popularized by people in online communites devoted to polyamory and open relationships, in order to describe the opposite of feeling jealous when your partner dates somebody else. Though a monogamous person would feel jealous seeing their partner kiss another person, a non-monogamous person could feel compersion, a sense of joy in seeing their partner happy with another person. But monogamous people can feel compersion, too, if we extend the definition out to mean any situation where you feel the opposite of jealous. If a friend wins an award you hoped to win, you can still feel compersion (though you might be a little jealous too).

10. Intergroup feeling
Some psychologists argue that there are some feelings we can only have as members of a group — these are called intergroup feelings. Often you notice them when they are in contradiction with your personal feelings. For example, many people feel intergroup pride and guilt for things that their countries have done, even if they weren't born when their countries did those things. Though you did not fight in a war, and are therefore not personally responsible for what happened, you share in an intergroup feeling of pride or guilt. Intergroup feelings often cause painful contradictions. A person may have an intergroup feeling that homosexuality is morally wrong. But that person may personally have homosexual feelings. Likewise, a person may have an intergroup feeling that certain races or religions are inferior to those of their group. And yet they may personally know very honorable, good people from those races and religions whom they consider friends. An intergroup feeling can only come about through membership in a group, and isn't something that you would ever have on your own. But that doesn't mean intergroup feelings are any less powerful than personal ones.

from http://io9.com/5813475/10-psychological-states-youve-never-heard-of--and-when-you-experienced-them

Equus

2011-06-17T00:22:00.006+08:00

In defiance of our safe, sterile, superficial world, EQUUS boldly asks the question: "Have you ever really felt passion?"

God, they are showing Peter Shaffer's Equus in Singapore! Equus explores taboo themes of sexual curiosity, relationship complexities, religion and freedom.

There's a student show on 30 Aug (Hari Raya Puasa). Looking for homies to hang out with. Who's up?

(sparks of excitement) (more sparks of excitement)

Fear has no face

2011-06-14T19:35:00.003+08:00

A long time ago I learnt that emotions mean nothing if they are just emotions. I have to act on them, express them, use them to create something. Show my feelings because it's healthy, it's natural. A smile says so much, but why? Happiness makes me afraid. What is real and what is not? Feelings come and go, and after feeling I always wish I hadn't.

So I choose to hide them, because I thought if no one could see them then I would be safe. Emotions make you vulnerable, they strip you naked and open you up for scrutiny. Others use them, and use you, playing with your emotions like a puppeteer, manipulating, oppressing, depressing, taking them one by one away from you. Life is a game but I should be the player, not the pawn.

Black is the colour of nothing, of something. Blue is me, and it lives within black. Black is the colour of comfort and quiet. Black ensconces my frailty. Other colours are evil, and they try to change you.

I've learnt, and I've known the truth. I purge myself of emotions, for they make us weak. No emotions for them to see, that is safe. I could keep them to myself and tell no one, and no one would know. Surely it is better. I am protected by my guise. And even if it hurts like a hole boring through my heart, sadness, after all, is only temporary.

No emotion, is the final one.

Summer Sexperience 1

2011-06-12T20:27:00.003+08:00

So I went swimming, was slow as usual. All that fat accumulated from idling at home and stuffing myself with cakes is taking a toll on my physical abilities, if I had any to boast of in the first place.

I swear, the showers are always the most interesting part of my swimming adventures.

This churlish middle-aged man was already in the changing area. I swear, he looked like any other Chinese labourer who lived practically under the sun. There were only two other guys, but this man was fully clothed so he has been hanging around for quite awhile.

Voyeur. There. I guessed it straight, and I was right.

He was walking past all the showers, and yeah, some guys don't close their doors. Besides, this age-old swimming pool had lousy doors which won't shut all the way, so you can't lock them even if you wanted to.

Just for fun, I stripped in front of him after my shower. Oh the exhibitionist I am! And I toweled myself slowly, and put on my clothes slowly. Damn bastard was hiding behind a wall watching me, and thought I didn't spot him.

Well, can't be helped. Some things are made to admired.

He left after I was fully dressed. I stayed for about five more minutes, and was about to leave when he came back again. This time he was following a father and his corpulent son.

I wasn't even interested in him. Dirty, smelly, unsightly, boorish ol' thing. He just looked kinda, sad and deprived, you know?

Screw it. I should make a job out of this.

Today I can't see the sky

2011-06-09T14:41:00.004+08:00

Alright, here's the story. I've been kidnapped by an underground human trafficking syndicate and currently am awaiting Z to rescue me while being locked in a ratty old storeroom with no air-con. Meanwhile, I shall read my notes, which happened to be in my backpack all along. They do feed me, but they won't give me a pillow. Misers. Z says he has got my location, and is on his way now with premium white chocolate to alleviate my trauma. I should be out in a few days, that is, if they haven't already found a client who wants my kidneys... Oh well. I have better things to worry about.

20 days

2011-06-07T21:35:00.002+08:00

Dum dum. Checkup was over yesterday. I'm happy :)

Oh btw, I'm under PES B dammit. Why am I so healthy?

Please find something wrong with my blood or bones.

The unanswered

2011-06-02T19:37:00.003+08:00

On those days when things are still clear, when I could still see, those days are over. Don't you see things are not clear, and not yourself? Things are not yourself. My words are like poison capsules I keep swallowing so you wouldn't see me. Not me in this state. Falling leaves are fallen leaves. My days like days, they fall and go and fall.

The history that belongs to me, so hard to keep. Running away from it like a child from a masked man. Excruciating. A nail lodged in my chest. I can't pull it out. So I can only run, ignore it, and let it bleed. Bleed away my little one. We'll show them the truth, the bloody truth. My blood will stain the earth and everyone will see.

Just one word is too much...

Zoro.

Didn't you say you won't lose anymore?

The sky... blue today and blue tomorrow and blue the day after. But people change.

He tried holding me but I yelled don't touch me! Don't touch me. Why? Why. What's wrong? Only too good to believe. Do you know? Do you know? I know, he says.

Free as a bird, yes. Look to the future, yes. To happiness, yes. Leave this place. Go anywhere. But not here. Not near me, I who live to taste your blood on my fingers. I know, he says.

They won't come to me. No matter how long, how far I cry. In my own world. Throw a stone at me. Watch me writhe and bleed from my head. This dark little room where I feed on my pain.

Mum

2011-05-29T00:44:00.002+08:00

Mum's getup for her international-themed dinner party. Just thought she looked gorgeous. Love love love her hairdo.

Sometimes, along the way, I forget my mum used to be young and pretty too. And she must have had her dreams and aspirations, like I do now. Giving them up for us, that's what makes her awesome and forever, forever beautiful to me.

Maybe being a good mother for us was one of her aspirations too. Who knows? That's why I cannot fail her.

10 most annoying things this week

2011-05-25T22:07:00.003+08:00

Failing NAPFA the 9999th time
Koh starting to speak at morning assembly again
Gender & Language in ELL
Upcoming GP test on Friday (and Koh's address) (and Econs quiz) (and Lit lecture)
The Sun
People who stare cautiously
Suddenly-erased calendar of events on my phone
Z falling asleep before I can talk to him
The prospect of shopping this Saturday yet having to endure the arduous wait
A lizard who lives outside my bedroom window

Doggone days

2011-05-22T23:04:00.006+08:00

Days are becoming shorter and shorter (I wonder if anyone else had realised?), sadly, my body can't seem to keep up with the pace of time. But next week is the my current short-term goal, just have to hang in there for one more test and I can finally slink back into my dark hole.

Almost everyone's falling in love, and at a time like this too. Makes me want to be loved too. Love... does it matter who is the giver? In the end, it is still love that triumphs.

Now, just wishing my pillow could tell me it loves me.

Nah. I've long told myself not to get mixed up in worldly emotions and relationships. Which is better, perhaps. I've never really dared to wish for anything, because I grew up an envious and unsatisfied kid. Excluded from social circles... Always the last one chosen for groups... Target for pranks and left behind in the classroom...

I'm gonna stop before I get upset.

Today could have been a great day, if not for my father's crankiness again. Lately, it has become periodic and I can't escape from it because it affects the entire atmosphere in the house.

Which is all the more why I feel I have to get away from people.

The stain I cannot erase

2011-05-18T01:22:00.003+08:00

Worthless. Is that it?

I always tell myself to get better, to be better. I say I want myself to worth something. All my life, to have a modest worth. Because I am worth nothing, I want to prove it. Be better, and prove my worth.

But how far can I go?

I wonder, and I am scared.

Green is the colour of my sky

2011-05-08T19:10:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I swam. Today's a good Sunday and the weather is sunny, all the more reason to slip into my trunks.

Pretty good, I must say. Still managed to survive 20 laps plus a few more of dogpaddling. Tried to tan a little in response to all the "You're damn white!" I've been hearing about me. Too bad the sun was playing hide and seek with me. Plus I was trying to ignore the couple next to me, who were practicing a few positions out of the kama sutra.

Oh to have a private pool...

Bracing myself for a whole body of aches tomorrow.

The Ruined Boy

2011-05-05T00:13:00.003+08:00

Blaring music, flashing lights, suddenly the ground does not seem so flat.

When I am alone, it is good. When I am sad, it is good. When I realise all the lies that are told, I will be prepared.

Is there no one, or do I want no one?

Stripped down, we are naked and unashamed. What is there to hide? Bodies are bodies are bodies. People are people are people. Young or old, rich or poor, pretty or ugly, powerful or powerless. We are naked inside as much as we are outside.

I tell myself there is a place for me. And I will find it. But people, are people. Someone for me, I wish but I don't wish.

The leaves that swirl around my feet, the leaves on the trees. Like days they will fall one by one. And they go back and come back till there are no more, no more.

And time is the light which will bring all out of the darkness. And time is the strength I will find when I have had enough of it. When I reach out I want to be able to touch the future I see.

So much to learn.
So much to see.
So much to deal with.
No one with me.
I hope my leaves last me.

The weather is inhuman

2011-05-03T23:02:00.003+08:00

Read a few doujins (no prizes for guessing who), god, sweet sweet sweet.

I'm starting to think Z and Robin or Z and Luffy are cute. Damn.

Lately, I've been honing my resolve at asexuality: to be free from temptations, free from humans. Difficult keeping a clear train of thought though. But soon, I'll be there.

These days, there isn't really much to talk about, is there?

Stop kidding yourself. There, lit essay is calling for me.

Today's a special day

2011-04-21T15:20:00.000+08:00

Everyone is precious and only so. Sometimes I wonder about myself.

I wish to say this to the people in my life, who are precious to me:

Aishite kurete arigatou. Thank you for loving me.

Because I don't deserve so much.

Small stories

2011-04-12T20:19:00.003+08:00

You complete me.
But where are you?

I haven't been studying as much as I wanted. The computer is one reason, but I can't say my weak resolution is not at fault.

Words amaze me, because they're just horizontal arrangements of alphabets, yet each is capable of carrying so much meaning. It makes me feel as if everyone can come up with his own words. Just put those alphabets together.

I find myself smiling too much for my liking. They take away so much, but the pain comes back double. Smiles exacerbate the suffering when it comes. Being happy is only temporary. They don't represent the reality I believe in.

Yet, I hope. Hope is futile unless we do something to change things the way they are. Why place so much faith in hope? I hope and I detest myself for hoping.

To a friend

2011-04-07T15:12:00.004+08:00

I like to think you were the one who brought back my smiles. I like to think you represented the hope I need to start believing in life again. But time will tell, as they say. And I know.

Perhaps you think I'm selfish, hypocritical, blunt, unsympathetic... whatever. I'm not. I have to say it, haven't I? After years I thought at least you would know what kind of a person I am. But you don't.

Change is, of course, natural and like life, I've learnt to move on. I don't bemoan the changes in you because I understand that's fundamentally who you are, or at least who you want to be. Even if you've never noticed, I've accepted them amicably. What has changed is how you treat your friends, and I'm not just referring to myself. How you divide them, rank them, manipulate them and use them for your interest. We don't go out like we used to, with people we used to, unless the objective lies in your interest. We don't talk like we used to unless it's something you want to talk about. Why we can accept you but you can't accept who we've always been puzzles and upsets me.

I don't need a friendship laden with suspicion and subject to your whims. I don't need you turning hot and cold toward me whenever you feel it is the right time. Maybe 'need' is a wrong word. I don't want this. Because it has become a pattern and I am tired.

Memories are useless when things aren't meant to be. That's what I've always known. I am insignificant. That's why I never believed. And I'm right. Talking is useless when it is just talk. And I've fallen too many times I don't even feel like getting back up.
For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.

That's why smiles are useless. You gave me one. And I'm right.

I did not write this as a rant, or some aggression for some injustice I experienced. I wrote this because of the silliness of it all, yet it presents itself again and again to destroy what we share. I wrote this because I don't want to leave without a word.

You asked me if I were your best friend. Why do you need to know? Because in friendship there is trust, so why do you need to know?

The voice behind the screen

2011-04-04T19:44:00.004+08:00

This is a wish. This is me wishing insignificantly. For who am I? What are my words? This is a wish for a wish.

There are two kinds of friends in this world: the one who will help you up after you fall and the one who will do nothing but watch. I have decided it's the first kind I wanna be. But who will help me up? Who will? For who am I? Does it matter?

I've learnt the world to work on principles. I've learnt principles to work against the world.

First show is the sweetest

2011-03-31T21:33:00.004+08:00

Finally, finally, finally, I've freaking sat in a fashion show! Went with Sihua @ Marina Bay Sands. After years of watching it behind a screen, let me tell you the experience is unparalleled. It wasn't New York or Dolce; it was Singapore and Raoul, but still loved every minute of it.

Loved the colour blocking, the slim cuts and the organic pastels. I have inspiration for a wardrobe revamp.

Of course, part of the fun was having someone there with me to comment on Mr. Dominatrix and his Spidey-inspired outfit. Learnt that in the fashion industry you have to be fashionably late. And fame and money really gets you to places (and the best seats). Next time I'll have them licking my shoes.

Tired, hungry and elated. Can't wait for my next one.

Run Run Run

2011-03-28T20:38:00.003+08:00

Started the week with a Fail in NAPFA. Smile for me.

Now, don't be too sad. This failing streak only started around Sec 4. I used to be a stunning silver-medalist in the heyday of my sports career. Screw the gold-medalists, they're freaks of nature.

Z isn't talking to me lately, or rather, I haven't been talking to him. He's fine; he knows I'm busy, but somehow the nagging feeling of guilt catches up to me. I hope he doesn't forget he's still most important to me.

On the other hand, I saved a friendship again. Not because a sudden accusation of me being a coward put me on the right track, but because I know we're above that. Right, MM?

*For the record, I'm not a coward.

Consultations are all coming together. Everything is getting more real and it's no use wishing anymore. That's pretty sad isn't it? Already knowing what's to come but can't change it. Some day I will change my life.

We can change the world.

Listen to the dying tree

2011-03-15T22:49:00.008+08:00

奉献

长路奉献给远方

玫瑰奉献给爱情

我拿什么奉献给你

我的爱人

白云奉献给草场

江河奉献给海洋

我拿什么奉献给你

我的朋友

我拿什么奉献给你

我不停的问

我不停的找

不停的想

白鸽奉献给蓝天

星光奉献给长夜

我拿什么奉献给你

我的小孩

雨季奉献给大地

岁月奉献给季节

我拿什么奉献给你

我的爹娘

Suddenly I am overwhelmed with sadness, under-achievement, emptiness, helplessness, weariness.

Blight of Mind 6

2011-03-14T23:05:00.003+08:00

Feel me. Feel me like you can because I need to feel you like I should. I want to tear you apart and taste your soul, and feel it kicking in me. Inside. Inside. You need me inside so you can forget the world. So we can become one.

Now be silent.

Yay Avril

2011-03-09T19:56:00.002+08:00

So this is it

2011-03-07T00:06:00.004+08:00

You hold my hand like I belong to you; you stare in my eyes like you know more about me than I do. And when you look away I am screaming silently Look at me! Look at me!, and so you will, as though you've heard the pleas from my heart. Does it break you? Because it breaks me when you don't speak your mind.

Yesterday, you gave me an empty box. Empty, but pretty. You said it contained all our memories. You said, one day I will open it and remember, even though it was empty.
"That's the point of a gift. It matters not what it is, but what you make of it."
I smiled, and said yes. Yes, I will treasure our memories.

Shall we walk today? It's a nice weather, and I've made some sandwiches. We can walk for miles and miles and never get tired, the flowers bowing to us along the way, the clouds admiring our pace, my hand safely in your hand...

Ningqian and Weilin surmise I'm in love. Well, I'm either playing along, or I'm not playing along. Go figure.

The double whammy from the release of last year's A level results, and the release of my A level schedule has enlightened me to the fact that three months have passed. I am now recharged, re-inspired and raring to go. So this is it.

All my days are the wrong ones

2011-03-01T22:22:00.004+08:00

One day, I say. One day I can start to run. The one day which means so much to me.

Because things can change in a day.

O big blue sky, tell me why

2011-02-28T20:06:00.007+08:00

MORE tests coming up, more assignments due soon.

*You might have realised, I lost my head and accessed my cbox account (in 4 years?) to delete the junk in it. It's looking remarkably awesome now.*

YEAH MAN! I bought my Vogue Collections! Do not be fooled by this magazine, it costs 68 freaking dollars.

Here is I, caricaturised and glorified (as if I need any) and sexualised (as if I need any) and exoticised (as if I need any) by Gracesu-chan.

Guess who's the sour-faced, green-eyed cat?

Say hi to Sebastian.

And darling, what are you doing hiding in my book...?

Because the truth is, you can't help who you fall in love with. -- And This Is True, Emily Mackie

Still living

2011-02-25T22:26:00.002+08:00

"I love you but I cannot love you" -- M.M.

Pretty much sums up all the relationships in the world. M.M.'s a certified poet (in my opinion).

Today I studied, yesterday and every day before too

2011-02-19T23:53:00.002+08:00

I wish if I prayed hard enough it will go away. Pray the truth away. Pray your fears away. Pray sorrow away. Believing is difficult. Praying doesn't work. The sun shines in different ways but we see the same night.

Bought new shoes, brought Zoro home with me (finally), studied with Jiele. I'm a happy boy.

Running through fields

2011-02-17T23:40:00.003+08:00

It's already mid-Feb and in ten more days it'll be March. How time flies I can't even describe. (Am I getting soppy??) Soon everything will change. Soon lives will change.

The work is just approaching that peak, next week's tests galore. I want to put on my casual and hit the streets and buy as I wish. Everywhere temptation lies, and it's too much of a job to resist. Friends say I'm becoming detached, but I'm trying and I'm trying as much as I would love to be with them.

Things haven't changed much, or have they? It's always about 'What do you think?' but never 'What do I think?'. No one really cares, but they expect others to.

Loneliness is something you get used to. For me, it's not so hard. I'm feeling lonely again, and the days don't hold much meaning. When life has fed you something, you're hungry for more. I should never have tasted company. Sometimes I feel like I'm made to live alone. Sometimes I feel like I want to be alone.

Memory is useless. Living in memory will not push you forward. Memory is what we want to believe. For us, memory is not a choice. If I could I would crush my memories and start life over. But it's too late and it's impossible. Sometimes I blame those who corrupted my memories. But who can I blame for something so insignificant? Just live with it, I tell myself, and I experience the tears.

I've been trying to draw Zoro without doing him injustice, but I fail. The real experience, of course, can't be captured by pen and paper. Just like how it's impossible to capture a person in a drawing. When will I ever learn...?

Honesty 2

2011-02-15T16:15:00.005+08:00

I do not like people labelling me as brand conscious.

I admit I rejoice in superficiality. I like to see the literal, and impose judgement. I love to critique. I am proud of my aesthetic. But I am not superficial. I don't discriminate because my friend is not up to my standard in terms of appearance. I don't ridicule them for not wearing something expensive. I love my friends for who they are.

And brand conscious? Really? Me? These accusations are groundless and are, I believe, birthed from spite.

There is a biblical distinction between the dilettante and the cognoscente. I actually know the difference between a geometric print and a tribal print, the Madras from the gingham from the tartan. I recognise deconstruction; drapery; minimalist; couture. Some people can't even tell English from Japanese. I know what brands mean: Burberry - heavy luxury, Chanel - monotone elegance, Hermès - leather and construction. I don't just follow Marc Jacobs because he's cool and Kris Van Assche because I love punk. Please.

I buy designs that I like, even if they are brandless. You can point to any piece of my belongings and I can give you the aesthetic breakdown behind my choice. I don't boast about my possessions to my friends because I am not seeking for any praise. I didn't just take a liking to fashion. I always felt it was something burning furiously inside of me. But even I am learning this art of appreciation; I know I'm nowhere near good at all.

There are people who buy branded for the good name's sake, for that status boost. They don luxury for the enhanced image to make them feel good. I know some of these people.

Fashion is a powerful force; it is a signal of changing times and evolving attitudes. It is a blend of culture and differences to unite all around the world. It is an art, a skill and a story that , unfortunately, is not understood by all. The brand-conscious don't realise that. Rather, they are the true victims of fashion. They are the ones I, and everyone, should feel sorry for.

Honesty

2011-02-10T00:34:00.003+08:00

I like to walk a little, think a little and maybe rest a little. But I realise not all of them could keep up with me. There are days when the sky is clear and so it is, and there are days when it is clear but dark to you.

When I cry, not everyone sees it. Only when I smile. Typical.

The world works in strange ways, and that's why there are different personalities. But the End is certain, as we know one day tomorrow will cease to exist. One day, things would have lost its meaning.

We seek for everything, anything, that we desire. To fill that void in our hearts which we know will still be unfilled eventually. I look at my reflection, the walls, the ground. I look at my hands and wonder what they are made for.

Love, for all we know, might have stopped being beautiful. Yes. I do wish. And we know somewhere, somehow, love will find its way to you. I do wish as well. But knowing the opposite probably is too much.

There was the boy who never believed in love but found it under his nose. It was a fist of emotions thrown into the air, and I shot them down one by one. There was blood but we liked it.

And I am walking, and I will walk, and I will walk till the end. Even if I'm alone, I believe there is a destination.

Happy CNY

2011-02-03T19:47:00.003+08:00

Maybe it's because I'm growing up, but receiving red packets didn't excite me so much this year. The dark cloud in my heart is devouring me slowly and I'm losing sight of what's precious.

These long days

2011-01-29T12:08:00.003+08:00

Lately? Just writing more and more poems while I'm bored to prevent me from stepping into the forbidden zone of geekdom. I'm really starting to love my poems (maybe it's because I'm getting betterrrrrrrrrr) but... yeah, I know, we're out of the Romance period and the great literary age, plus it's Singapore we're discussing here.

Hehe maybe when I feel like it, I'll put one up here.

I've been watching Modern Family since last week, which is the best damn show that is hilarious and insightful at the same time. Really makes me think about what's missing in my life.

I don't want to feel sad and irritated right now because I still have to survive five more days till it's CNY. Love.

One life is all you get

2011-01-24T21:38:00.003+08:00

Very often dreams always end up in the trashcan. But we are made for dreaming. Without dreams, where is our purpose? I will not live life out of responsibility. I've realised it is what you believe in that matters. Who cares what the idiots say because if you ever listened to them, you will never get to where you desire. Sometimes it's impractical, it can be out of this world. But sometimes all you need is your inner voice. You make the decisions in your life. And when we get old, we can then look back and smile, at least.

I will not live life with regrets. I think that is the biggest regret; to have regrets.

Peace.

Space in a crowded place

2011-01-22T20:53:00.002+08:00

Last year my mum was like, can you get off the computer and do some studying. Today, she asked me to stop studying at home all day like a nerd.

Wow. Is it that serious?

Fashion idiots piss me off not because they know nothing about style. But most of the time they try to take on a huge project and end up looking like a depressed festive decoration. I mean, I would've forgiven them if they stuck to the tee and jeans combo.

la la la I'm in a silly mood. CNY is coming and that means new clothes. Yippee.

Will they buzz off already?

2011-01-17T21:58:00.004+08:00

I know I haven't been very diligent in this (RANDOM-STRANGER-INFESTED) space, but I try.

Can I rant a little? Because life hasn't been very kind to me.

Look.

They just love putting more and more scars on my man. There were the ankles, if you remember. Z looks strangely... (do I dare say it?), well, fat. Yeah.
They say it's muscles. Yeah.

Oda better stop before the damage becomes irreparable!

On the other hand,

N seems to have blossomed into this long-haired chick. Pretty cool. I'm not sure I'm digging the long hair though. Now more hentais will just insert her into more hentais.

Oh, there's R too. Hi R.

The anime should just catch up with the manga already because I'm tired of looking at L and the non-essentials. I might just die from deprivation and lovesick, especially since the weather has been acting like a cold bitch and I can't get any fruitful work done without feeling like shrivelled grape.

Fashion house Givenchy and their recent spark with albino model Stephen Thompson. Alright. Pretty in line with the rage of bringing out unconventional beauty and breaking down stereotypes. (Check out Lea T)

Maybe it's the photographic magic, but he doesn't look half bad, does he? I don't know, if you are the kind who likes to be different...

Blight of Mind 5

2011-01-13T21:20:00.004+08:00

History, of course, held something for everyone. Sometimes it makes you smile, N making cakes, we watched the boats. Sometimes it's unpleasant. I run away.

No. Everyone runs away. Everyone is scared; it might repeat, it might destroy. That specter of reality which might devour you.

Later that day she said come to me because I was thinking too much. So I went to her. There was a fire, and it burned my eyes from looking too far back so I only looked forward. We huddled and shared a can.

When I woke up I was alone and scared. I curled in my nest of sheets and refused to look. There was a sort of cold, not the cold you feel but the cold you know. I soon forgot about the outside and returned to sleep.

It was a garden, deceptively bright, a meretricious one with lots of flora and people. I walked past the ugly trees and they said Go Away. I walked past the ugly grass and it said Go Away. The people laughed and I hated it, hated it there. I yelled Go Away! and Go Away! and Leave Me Alone! and I ran without looking, but their words were strung like a noose around my throat, ringing snidely in my ears.

If you see it it's not real

2011-01-03T12:51:00.001+08:00

Words.

I wish for love in its barest form.

2011

2011-01-02T00:11:00.002+08:00

Great beginnings. Oh someone bring in the meat, and the wine, and the ladies, and the boy servants, and we shall have a feast! Someone put a cork in the ol' mule's ass and we can sing till the dawn birds come! Oh the ideas are good, now get me my favourite chalice with the year's finest grapes. Don't just stand there, rub some oil in your hair and move your feet!

Christopher Robin loves the Poohs before the great tree fell. Now we have porridge with a little cream, someone get the cops before I topple the world.

Silent little things

2010-12-28T16:56:00.003+08:00

There was the man who had everything, and there was the man who thought he had everything.

Here I am wishing work was as easy as brushing teeth, and both are no less bothersome. This unlikely comparison of course has something to do with my recent visit to the dentist.

12. Freaking. Cavities.

I swear there will be no more it's-late-and-I'm-tired crap, and I'm just gonna stick to my teeth cleaning regime until my dentures come into the story.

(I'm inspired to write my own surreal love story in the style of MM-chan, but I need to oil my gears first.)

I'm walking dead

2010-12-25T21:32:00.007+08:00

OMGOMGOMG A FREAKING DRAMA ABOUT ZOMBIES (and a good storyline). DUMDUM DON'T WAKE ME UP.

By the way, have you guys watched this amazingly horrible advert? And I'm not talking about the acting even.

Youtuber read my mind perfectly:

"You know it's just sad when the saf can't even do a proper propaganda video."

Splat. Splat splat.

Live, for it is tomorrow

2010-12-20T15:40:00.004+08:00

I feel like a ball in midair, and I would rather drop all the way down or rise if I can.

There were two of them, and one told me I wouldn't make it. In what? I ask. "Life," he said. Of course the future remains unknown (Zoro tells me we write our own destinies), but I always felt it would be easier if I had a little help.

The other remained silent and counted his fingers. One, Two...

If my life was an adventure, the future would still be hazy but at least I would have something to look forward to. At least, it could nourish my senses and inundate my experiences, which felt bare most of the time, as if my physical existence was the only barrier to what my mental self wants to achieve. Where is my adventure? I wonder. Perhaps it has not come.

Three, Four, Five... He never got to ten because he wasn't really counting anyway. It's what counts that counts.

When night came, I forgot about the day and I berated myself for that. It was so typical to forget our past and live for the tomorrow. But who can blame us? We always hope, and expect a tomorrow different and better from today, from yesterday.

The sky was a portentous dark blue and I wished it would stay. The daylight was misleading. It seems to presage a better day; a day filled with joy and the wonders of satisfaction. That is not the case. Every day wears us out, slowly but surely, and although a bit of delusive happiness is offered now and then, it is snatched away soon.

Sometimes too soon. I knew.

I caught a fly in my palms, and brought it to the window. It flew out and towards the night sky. I pray it would not live to see tomorrow, for it was better that way. I went back to bed and shut my eyes, knowing it would be bright when I next open them...

From paradise

2010-12-19T01:05:00.002+08:00

I'm baaaaaaaack. Huge haul, ready to explode on da scene. But gotta have those twenty winks first...

Such are the things that make me wanna fall in love

2010-12-13T16:16:00.005+08:00

My Hands
by Leona Lewis

I wake in the morning

Tired of sleeping

Get in the shower

And make my bed alone

I put on my makeup

Talking to the mirror

Ready for a new day

Without you

And I walk steady on my feet

I talk my voice obeys me

I go out at night

Sleep without the lights

And I do all of the things

I have to keeping you off my mind

But when I think I'll be alright

I am always wrong cause

My hands

Don't wanna start again

My hands

No they don't wanna understand

My hands

They just shake and try to break

whatever peace I may find

My hands

They only agree to hold

Your hands

And they don't wanna be without

Your hands

And they will not let me go

No they will not let me go

I talk about you now

And go a day without crying

I go out with my friends now

I stay home all alone

I don't see you everywhere

I can say your name easily

I laugh a bit louder

Without you

And I see different shades now

And I'm almost never afraid now

But when I think I'll be okay

I am always wrong cause

My hands

Don't wanna start again

My hands

No they don't wanna understand

My hands

They just shake and try to break

whatever peace I may find

My hands

They only agree to hold

Your hands

And they don't wanna be without

Your hands

And they will not let me go

No they will not let me go

Sometimes I wake and see them reaching out for you

Quietly breaking whatever shields

I spent so long building up

I cannot fake, cos when they cry I'm unspoken

They miss holding my baby

My hands

No they don't wanna understand

They just shake and try to break

whatever peace I may find

My hands

Your hands

They don't want to be without

Your hands

They will not let me go

Not they will not let me go

My hands

They don't wanna start again

My hands

No they don't wanna understand

My hands

They just shake and try to break

whatever peace I may find

My hands

They only agree to hold

Your hands

And they don't wanna be without

Your hands

And they will not let me go

No they will not let me go

I'm disappearing until life calls me back

2010-12-08T16:48:00.019+08:00

Wanted to put this up for some time - Ek Thongprasert's S/S 2011 collection "Youth".

My birthday falls on 21st April. Thanks in advance.

The use exuberant pastels (go figure!) in the pieces captures perfectly the fun-loving, beach-frolicking, late-night-partying energy of summer. Although that doesn't apply to me. Come spring and all I want to do is retire amidst the opulent glow of Mother Nature. Can someone slap me already?

Strangely the colours remind me of the sea, the sky, the dead leaves against the earth, and mountains...

The clever ribbing detail in the hems/ waistbands/ seams, and the ones purely for aesthetic lends a softer sophisticated touch to the clothes, but balances out amazingly with the construction and the earthier colours. I particularly like the deceptive sandal-boots which express primitivism in fashion. Something about it reminds me of desert travellers but I'd gladly slip into them in my casual get-up.

Interestingly, he cites his inspiration as Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray. Perhaps I should pick it up...

Alright, time for a getaway. Hopefully I get back in time before life catches up with me.

This hurricane's chasing us all underground

2010-12-04T21:53:00.009+08:00

Watch this short film if you have 13mins to spare. Or if you think Jared Leto is too hot to let this pass (like I do), then please do.

warning: nudity/ disturbing sequences

30 Seconds to Mars "HURRICANE" (Uncensored) from Rui Delgado on Vimeo.

If you're asking what was that all about? Don't look at me, I can't help you on this one.

I really liked the angsty music (30 Seconds To Mars!), the hate-the-world lyrics, and the pseudo-dystopian imagery. That is real in my opinion: the world needs some help against the pretenses and violence. Not really digging (and understanding) the sadomasochistic and religious themes though...

I've been watching Jersey Shore when my computer tells me there's nothing else to do. Put 8 horny people whose differences will generate enough material to show on tv - and there you have it. It's chock-full of sleaze, garbage drama and violent hormones, and that's why it's got me hooked.

By the way, have you watched South Park's parody of it. I choked and sputtered and cursed in joy when Snooki pranced out.

The Real Snooki:

and...

It's called a Snooki boys. Beware.

I'm falling back on my fashion

2010-12-02T13:33:00.008+08:00

In love with Mario Testino's recent muse Candice Swanepoel (Victoria's Secret, fyi) - VMAN Winter 2010. In fact, she reminds me of a cross between Lara Stone and Abbey Lee. But I think, really, it's just the blonde.

Particularly loving the idea of how the people and the colours come together to generate some latent sexual energy that can be discovered practically in every hidden corner of our living space. Candice manages to bring some femininity and bad girl vibe in contrast to the (sigh) usual male-dominated scene. Nothing new there. I think the nipple-bearing is a little overdone as well, and the shoot is verging on becoming sex-filled trash.

But I like her colour.

Third shot from the bottom - Recently I'm starting to like mesh. Not the fishnet-burlesque kind, but something darker and more mysterious. Particularly love it as an overlay on Ts and jackets.

Wondering where I can get me some meggings - they're just perfect for spicing up boring berms.

Thanks for the holidays

2010-12-01T19:23:00.002+08:00

The knob turned and the door swung open. "Darling! Tadai-"

Before she could finish her sentence, a dark figure darted across the room and scooped Mika in his arms, locking her lips with his in furious passion. Mika's baggage dropped from her hands, as she tried to recover herself from the shock.

"Ugh. Don't. I'm dirty and everything, let me-" Mika tried to push him away but stopped when she saw his scruffy face. Disheveled hair, alcohol stink, bloodshot eyes - was this Teru?! Seeing him clearly now, Mika realised he was wearing the same shirt as on the day she left.

"TERU! Doushita!?" Mika shook him as he flopped to the ground weakly.

"Never again...," he pleaded softly. As he looked up, Mika saw tears in his eyes.

Hello. It's the doldrums that forces me to write pulp like this. Wari.

Poetic

2010-11-28T01:45:00.005+08:00

So raise your glass if you are wrong

in all the right ways.

.....

I wanna take you with me

to life with no more yesterdays.

.....

Love, like the seasons,

must relent to change and fade with time.

.....

I'll say goodbye

wondering if you'll someday forget.

Trudging

2010-11-24T22:32:00.004+08:00

"Do you have a minute?" I ask without looking.

"Yes." She replied without looking.

I have been studying faithfully while juggling with work. Work is stressful. Miss Lim would be proud, or we shall see.

I hope. Uselessly.

Soon, the sky will clear and I can breathe again.

Blight of Mind 4

2010-11-19T22:55:00.004+08:00

I might be looking at the star that has played witness to countless other aspirations. How many came true? How many remained relevant?

We only have one life, but we don't always get to choose.

A man lies on the floor.

Here are ten sticks. You can take only one.

His eyes are screaming. Blood on his shirt. Missing knife.

Drop a coin into the well and it's gone.

There is a wallet photo, but the colour has faded. He dies slowly while you watch.

Tonight's a fine weather but we can't say the same for tomorrow. Rest well.

AFA 2010: A camera is dangerous in my hands

2010-11-17T00:36:00.013+08:00

Met up with Charmylocks for a wunderful day. Many thanks to her great cam, for making my ugly face look better.

AFA this year seemed smaller than before. Fewer stalls, ugly butlers, ugly maids. But it was like stepping into another world, where everyone shares similar interests. No embarrassments and all the pretentious shit because we don't judge what we love. Anime/manga/ fiction creates a fantasy I desire to be in (as I've told Anna-chan).

SO, started the day off with White Reese's. It's a good thing to have a white-chocolate-lover companion.

*Photo post from here, I'm lazy and it's late.

This is my ugly face.
This is (pretty) Charm.

Here is my first wife, Nami-swan~

This is my first husband, Zoro-kun~

Nami-swaaaaaaaaaaan...

Zoro-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuun...

Oh slip under my covers tonight.

Here is Charm's babe LUKA-chan~

Bought her for fifty. If only she was real...

This is Eskimo milk tea I've been telling everyone about. Way better than Koi or Gongcha but not Starbucks. That's not the point. The point is, no one believes me when I say to dump Koi already.

Photo proof here. 100% satisfaction guaranteed, but don't come after me.

Charm endorses it too.

Sorry, I have no idea...

Ha face looks flawless here

Reese's to end the day: I shamelessly undressed it and took photos.

Too ugly. I apologise for not being beautiful, but unless you want to pay for my cosmetics, don't complain.

Sad. Photos remind me of the old times. Still, it was a wunderful (yes it's deliberate) day with Charmylocks. Fat day, photo day, anime day, shopping day, gossip day, wunderful day. Argh, too bad MM wasn't with us.

WENLI CHARIS NICOLE YITHONG

2010-11-09T19:23:00.012+08:00

*This post is in celebration of the conclusion of Project Work, and is dedicated to my four dearest ~~sex buddies~~, erm, I mean group mates.*

WAHEY it's over! Like finally.

I want to thank you guys for your patience with my dimwitted-ness and for tolerating my erratic moods. It seems like just yesterday, when we received our member assignments. We ran through the fields without stopping for flowers and bam, we're here.

Where shall I start? Sisters Nicole and Wenli's constant secret whispers? Charis and her effervescent personality? Yithong the man machine? Everyone made this work, maybe except for me.

I guess I was pretty lucky to have you guys, instead of some really horrible character, for example, David the Cat or Mary the Witch.

Of course, many thanks to our mother, Lim FN, as well, for all the lunchtimes and bedtimes and fun times she had had to miss because of our prostitutes. (See? Even in written form, prostitutes are detrimental.)

So bye Project Work, I might miss you but not any time soon. I don't hate anyone, except maybe for that moment. I always am a forgetting person. But if it's any assurance, I am really happy to have you guys with me during this weary bout of stress.

Will we look back on this one day? Can we?

Love.

Blight of Mind 3

2010-11-04T18:36:00.003+08:00

If I had two apples, I would give one to you. If I had one, we can make juice.

No. The world doesn't spin that way.

Blight of Mind 2

2010-10-31T20:51:00.004+08:00

Git 'em open now, yes. Yes. Now spread 'em butter nice an' thick. Be gen'rous, dat's the way! No good havin' them dry and the boss complainin'.

Love. Whatever that means.

2010-10-29T01:08:00.004+08:00

When I see a couple on the train, or on the bus, or on the streets, I don't see love. I only see love in movies and books, love that is true and remarkable. Agape.

True love doesn't exist, with all the distractions and corruption in this world. But we hope and we yearn. One day we'll hurt ourselves and we'll realise.

I hate it when a couple refuses to separate for that one-fifth of a second to let me walk through. Really, is your love that strong?

I love my clothes. Of course I do.

I hate that word. It sounds so wonderful yet it doesn't live up to its promise.

Hello? Do not kiss in front of me because you're not hot enough.

I'm not thinking straight

2010-10-22T19:54:00.003+08:00

I always believed there were two sides to everything, two answers that depended on which path we choose to follow, what choices we make, who we choose to believe in. And that paves our life story, a road scarred by our choices, a decision we cannot undo.

What would have happened if I chose the other option? Would I be happier? Have more money? Would I have seen more of this world? This ugly world. That road remains foggy, a mystery until we’ve ventured forward on it to find what lies at the end. Each choice we make gives birth to a new future. I often wonder about the other me. Where is he? What is he doing now? Is he living a better life? Maybe we will meet in Hell.

Is this fate? Are my choices governed by God’s will? I know. Fate has no forgiveness for those who dare stand against it.

This black universe. This empty, lifeless void. It fills me with such despair. Yet it gives me hope for something to happen and change my life. At the end of every road it will be death. Everyone dies. But we want something more, something precious and beautiful to bring with us into our graves. To remind us of our wretched existence, of our selfish ways, of our inglorious mistakes and petty accusations. To please ourselves for doing something right in the end. I need that something precious and beautiful. I need to see that stream of light at the end of my tunnel to fight the claws of my past; the choices that will haunt me forever.

When she finally emerged from her room, she was a vision of loveliness. We could make love in the hallway and wake up tomorrow as if we were deeply in love. Dopey-eyed and snuffling and kissing and touching. Our love would be a story derived from a cheap Sunday novel.

Her smile finally appeared: a hint for me to gush over how good she looked. I decided she was not what I wanted in this life.

Insulted

2010-10-18T18:31:00.003+08:00

I simply have to document the untruths teachers have been saying about me this year. Consequently I wish redress all misunderstandings about me. It's not their writing ability but blame the fact that everyone possesses that little bit of rudimentary inference skills to read between the glaringly invidious sentences in my progress report.

Let's start.

1. Jun Jie is not governed by conventional wisdom and offers creative ideas.

Okay so I'm stupid, but you didn't have to go one full circle to tell me that.

2. He can obtain better results with more consistent revision.
i.e. I'm a lazy ass. Not true, anyone who's been by my side during my final weeks before exams should know.

3. He should be more open to alternative views.
I'm all for boys with long hair and girls with fringes, so who's a stubborn ol' mule?

4. Junjie has not demonstrated clearly his priorities
I admit I have no direction in life, but hey, I'm 17.

5. ...and does tend to allow his moods to get the better of him.

I have nothing to say about this. But really?

6. He is clearly a deep thinker and perceptive.

The only complimentary remark made about me the whole year. Thank you I appreciate your good intentions.

Alright. End of analysis. Let me hide in a corner so I can mope (and curse).

I'm not halfway through this month and I've spent $500

2010-10-10T21:21:00.004+08:00

You never learn do you? Buy buy buy, is that all you know? Do you think money grow on trees? If you've even the littlest bit of sensibility you wouldn't realise the value of the dollar still. That's it, I'm confiscating all your cards and I'm reducing your allowance to a dollar a day. It's no use justifying your buys because your expenses are always what you want and not need. Stop crying now and go to your bedroom. From tomorrow onwards, you'll know how it feels like to be poor.

Falling skies

2010-10-07T23:52:00.005+08:00

I thought of the old Disney animations that saw me through my childhood, watched some clips, listened to the old tunes, and cried for awhile. The Fox and the Hound, Lady and the Tramp, Oliver and Company, Bambi, The Jungle Book, Peter Pan, Pocahontas, Mulan... my friends, I wish I was a child again.

First cuts

2010-10-04T23:07:00.009+08:00

For Mikami de Buttercup-Broomstick and Charmy "Goldilocks" à la Leather & Lace

Partners

Yesterday we had six before we lost it.
He came on strong, hands down, head
to toe. We faced the world and it drowned.

Suck. There was some noise. His sticky arms
lost its grasp while he pulled and then pushed
between our thighs to our tongues.

A little harder and the sheets were drenched while
we thrashed our way through. I held his heart in my palm
and for awhile, we kissed. He noticed my eyes.

He said turn; we built a bridge, and then a boat.
Into a cave we made a pact, two lost birds found their
way out. Dark drops of sweat melted my skin.

Slow. His hungry breath stifled my cries. For him,
I thought. We had a place, at last. He held me down
and punished me for this. I smiled.

The clock ticked. The bridge collapsed.
There were the remains. We saw.
We found two men in bed. Still.
Silent. They helped themselves
to the covers. They slept.
Tonight, we’ll try for eight.

On and on

2010-10-02T14:41:00.003+08:00

I know that I'm not perfect, but I keep trying

'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start

- Perfect, Hedley

Don't start a fight you can't finish. It was never a choice. Live and fight, fight and win, win and die. Turn around and you'll lose your focus. You'll lose. There has to be a victor.

I could feel it seep back, the words, the darkness, everything possible. That was the saddest, realising what's possible... what could have been. Then God snapped his fingers and our plans vanished. A cold breeze picked up and told me its secrets. I wasn't listening. I reached out for something and I touched nothing. I trailed the perimeters and stopped somewhere. I don't know. I could see the sun. I stared as the sun dimmed, a dying orange before it got swallowed by dusk. I watched, and did nothing.

Do paths cross more than once? Will I meet you again? Will tomorrow be just the same? I wait for you while watching the moon, wishing... wishing we were dreaming. Afraid. Of loss. Of nothing. Of everything.

Look at the shooting star. For a moment hope fills me. There must be something depressing about the way it disappears and never comes back.

All the wrong moves

2010-09-26T21:31:00.004+08:00

There are days when you just don't feel like moving, or talking, or eating. I'm guessing my days will just end up like that soon. I know the projection will realise anyway, no need for contemplation, so right now all I can do is to clutch on to that glimmer of hope, like a dying man grasping at straws, a falling leaf challenging gravity.

The whole debate on success has left me dry and weary. Do I really need to listen to another preach about what it means be successful. Yes or no, I don't want to. Too bad for some, success is the farthest they will go. I don't want to define my success. I want to go as far as I can. Escape the realities of this world. Follow the scented trail to my innermost desires. Grades, I concur, get you far. Nevertheless, not my far.

Come, I would say. Go, I would say. Dare yourself, Just do it, Show them, I would say. What draws the definitive line between the weak and the strong, the river and the ocean, I look to it. But find it first, I would say. Find it.

Truth is

2010-09-23T20:30:00.004+08:00

When life gets tough, we move on, or so they say. It's a choice, though. We could give up but we're not prepared to. The future holds so much, the expectations sky high, and we're not prepared to give up or to disappoint. That's what keeps me moving. My mercenary persona, my predilection for suffering, they keep me quenched. I love to feed on misfortunes, and nurse them like a child and watch the pain slowly materialize, evolve and devour the poor souls.

If a higher being exists, then so he does. I have learnt nothing, and I have learnt everything. I will not live my life behind his shadow, or leave it to fate what next I must do. Take me then. Take me if you want me. That would be a disgrace. If it's one thing I'm sure of, it's that I do not care. Horrible or peacefully, I'll die one day.

If there's one thing worse than a bitch, it's an ugly bitch. Come on, what are mirrors for?

School isn't out

2010-09-21T23:15:00.003+08:00

I opened my wardrobe today and fainted at the sight of my dowdy threads. I give no excuse. I have been neglecting it.

I fainted again when I saw the lumps of lard gathering all over my body. It's time to (ugh) exercise. When I become rich, I shall hire my dietician, trainer and manager. When I become rich. Rich.

The good thing about today is, I've finally caught RE4. Plot was weak but action action action. Only for fans, like me.

Let's see... tomorrow won't be better.

Goodbye

2010-09-17T20:28:00.008+08:00

"Do you think anything would have changed... if we never met?"

She wasn't looking at me and I thought she wasn't asking for an answer. How do I answer that anyway? I shoved my feet into the sand and for awhile there was only the sound of waves.

"It is very vast." She concluded, as if we never knew. How beautiful its emerald shone under the sun. The waves strode towards the shore like they were expecting a guest, then inviting him back to the ocean, back to home. Take me then. Take me back and engulf me with despair. It will last for a second. We'll be lost eventually.

I've never realized how soothing it was. That happens, we learn something new everyday. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. We can't choose what to learn can we? That's life.

As if we never knew.

"The sea will always be here, one day we won't." The sea breathed quietly. Its indifference, its abysmal wisdom, it seems to agree.

"Memories. That's what we'll become."

She might have been tearing silently, but I'll never know. Tears, what good are they for? Stop it now, I told myself.

"Memories... They exist only if remembered. That's what we'll become. Forgotten."

Useless. It seems so absurd that our ultimate existence should depend on someone. So fickle, so wrongful. But who cares if they remember now? Parts of us will be lost eventually; we can't remember everything. Why not go as a whole? Why not go without anyone knowing? We won't leave anything behind then. Everyone will be better.

Better, better she says. Sometimes things don't get better.

"Will you remember me then?" Stop it, I tell myself. Stop it, I wanted to tell her. Stop and that would be better. No deceitful hope, no dangling memories. No halfway crosses nor foolish pining. We could be free. In the end, that would be better.

"Maybe," I said. "Maybe the sea will."

I need a new life

2010-09-16T07:39:00.013+08:00

Ah haven't been here for awhile, or a long while, whichever you like.

It is difficult, maintaining my higher-being stature with cool understated confidence, while coping with my demanding intellectual pursuits. Clothes, clothes, wherefore art thou? In my daze of relentless knowledge acquisition, I have been neglecting my subconscious thirst for fashion. Almost 3 months too; no wonder I've been weak and sickly recently. It's time for compensation.

I have a new dream: I am a high-earning yuppie living in one of those sculpted studio apartments in the heart of NYC. No, I'm not from Singapore, where every man wears shirts from John Little (or *ack* Giant Hypermart) to work. I am one with impeccable taste, a highly trained eye for the best and a propensity for excesses in life.

My job will give me reason, not that I need any, to don one of my finely tailored suits out of the house. A classic Armani, perhaps a Dolce when I get adventurous. The subtleties that singles me from they grey sea of monotony - my titanium cufflinks, Prada complements, and the perfect timepiece. My shoes then, of quality Italian hide and exquisite craftsmanship. Think Zegna.

I'll meet my clients of course, in crisp tailored shirts, jackets and all. Respect gets you far in this world. I'll dine in private; a personal chef for the night. My fastidious preferences demand for a personalized diet. Some red wine maybe. I'll ask for recommendations. I don't like people who chug out long names of prized wines, who speak of them as if they were an exotic animal. Just serve me the best. A lady for companion perhaps, or an older man. We'll take my car.

Oh I'll have my cougar too, but that's another story...

When spring comes, I'll parade my Bottega. That's what it is, "quite unreal and like a dream" but who wants to wake from it?

The new Coach makeover for men will be perfect for vacations...

On working days, I'll wave my Dunhill and have my usual Starbucks. On off days I'll spend time at my usual spa boutique; a full body massage; a tantalizing herbal soak; a liberating facial before sitting down with a rag and a cup of detox tea in the customer lounge. On Sundays I'll sport my Bally and shield myself with wayfarers (in SG you'll become the center of attention). Sailor shorts and Tod's for summer; sweatshirts and desert boots for autumn and Burberry coats for winter. My life will be an artistic process. It will be a life of hairsplitting choices and excessive material indulgence, but that's my kind of life.

one week more

2010-09-04T12:21:00.005+08:00

Just another week to RESIDENT EVIL AFTERLIFE. I just found out Mika (love) Nakashima and Sienna (Jill) Guillory will be co-starring in it. Not forgetting my darlings -Milla, Ali and Wentworth! Damn it's gonna be one hell of a movie. Everyone out there (who isn't a zombieass-kicking slut) sucks.

Was I ranting like a whiny spoiled brat? Hello It's Resident-Awesome-Evil We Are Talking About Here. Not Twilight-Please-F***-Me-Already-Edward-Cullen.

Just, I mean, just look at this picture of awesomeness.

One week to exams too, yes I know. Does anyone not recognise the importance of zombies?

ramblings

2010-08-26T22:10:00.005+08:00

My nights are lonely: just the laptop and I. We will spend hours engaging in silent conversations, my fingers doing the work, its screen provides the stimulus. I will take a glass of plain water, some sweet cream biscuits, thank you. We will be at it until the air gets too warm. Sadly, the subject is work-related and I'm trying to remain professional.

I miss the days when I could go to bed with a clear head. Some time after 14years old, I guess, that was when headaches plagued my days. Sleep is a relaxing activity, but not when you sleep knowing that's precious time you're wasting.

Two weeks later and it will be the Judgement. I am scared, I am panicky, I am struggling; but it will end sooner before you know it. Of course the end may also spell the end for me.

Positivity is not my thing; it makes no sense thinking brightly if that's going to make you disappointed even more when things don't turn out right. At least I'm prepared, and if things turn out for the better, I'll consider it a pleasant surprise. Jonghyun says positivity is the secret to his gorgeous complexion. There's where he may be right, but we don't always have to agree.

Speaking of him, his dressing is regrettably horrible most of the time. Only the clothes I mean, the wearer is still pretty desirable. I would fire my stylist if I were him.

Let me provide an example, this... uhm... thing he is wearing...

and this European gay man top:

so far, I still say simplicity was his best fashion choice:

The perfect face and the perfect body need the perfect clothes to create the perfect look. Many stylists however, go too far attempting to prove their creative flair.
(JH dear, if you're reading this, I'm currently umemployed and a-vai-la-ble~)

Jonghyun is happy because he's doing what he loves to. Dreams are still dreams to many of us, though. Looking at him smile, it makes me feel that there is so much more I should do with my life.

I'm sad.

JONGHYUN

2010-08-22T20:07:00.001+08:00

i have an insane, unnatural, non-sexual crush on him now. tell me it's normal.